Don’t know how and where I will die, in the meantime I enjoy where I am…

Listening to Pierre Lapointe tonight, a more morose and philosophical me arose…

‘Where and how will I die’ has become a theme that has hit me in recent years. I was in my early twenties when I ‘moved’ abroad, I never thought about living in a different country and having to die there. I was young, free, full of aspirations and dreams, not thinking about family members dying or dying…

Recently, I faced loss of significant people in my life. I started to ask myself where and how will I die…not necessarily imminent, but a pertinent question as you never know, pertinent for specific arrangements for a will and children…I always imagined dying in a place I love, in a chalet, in the woods around a Canadian lake, with people around I love, somewhere I have lived for a long time where my children and family can connect and relate to.

When you live abroad, this ‘type of dream’ and the technicalities of it all become somewhat overwhelming and full of challenges: ‘how do you learn about someone’s passing when you live abroad’, ‘ who tells you, how do you find out, do you get to know’, ‘how can I support family and friends of ‘a home country’ person who dies, ‘how can I be part of a community I grew up in when someone dies’, ‘when and how should I be close and travel’, ‘what about my children if I die or my husband dies, both of us die’, ‘who will take care of them’, ‘who will be able to give them the full cultural diversity and heritage’, ‘where will they be’, ‘where should I rest’, ‘who will be close enough to be present on the day, for my children, for my husband’, ‘what about furniture, souvenirs, memories, how are these kept miles away’, ‘where should I be buried so that my children have a place to grieve and have some closure, which country should that be in’…and many other questions. Significant questions as there are so many technicalities and logistics to ‘dying’…when you lose someone close, you realise these technicalities even more…

Having lived abroad for a long time, all of these questions made me realise that you only live once; you can plan it all, have it all laid in a will, but it will not work out the way you planned. People will travel if they can, people will give their best wishes wherever they are…yes it would be good to be present. I have been sincerely touched by friends and family who were there on such days. A gesture, a thought, a card, are also meaningful…you never know how you can touch someone by a written message, a bunch of flowers, an email, etc. Does it really have to be on the day? Grief and loss is not a one day experience, it is there with you to stay…there are many ways to express grief and loss over time…

As to where and when will I die…don’t know…does it really matter? I am here to live…and try to enjoy life to the max…in the meantime, I enjoy where I am…I am sure the children will find a place to remember me when it comes…and who knows how it will come…and where I will be…I have started to like the idea of having my ashes thrown at sea, whatever sea, close to a lighthouse. A lighthouse is a meaningful symbol as it represents a guide and lightened path through adversity, a path that I know my husband is working hard at developing. Even the children refer to Papa has having his permanent office in a lighthouse! Will it be what I want to happen in the end, don’t know, this is where we are at the moment…but I can be reassured that if something was going to happen I would have a meaningful plan laid out…not for me as I will be dead, but for everyone else around, who may need comfort and closure…after questioning and experience of loss, being abroad can also bring an interesting sense of calm to it all…

 

 

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